When Jesus returned to Capernaum after a few days, he told the disciples to leak the news that he was home. And it worked. So many people gathered around his home that there was no longer any room, not even in front of the door. That's because Jesus was speaking the word to them. Something about the kingdom, yadda, yadda. What he was saying wasn't important, but what happened is very important.
Four men showed up carrying an apparently paralyzed man on a mat. After proper screening (no amputees, etc.), the disciples said, "We've got a live one!" And they were determined to get the man to Jesus, but didn't know how. Then one of them said, "Hey! Wouldn't it be totally righteous if we lowered him down from the roof?" Everyone agreed that yes, it would be totally righteous. And so they removed the roof above Jesus and the paralytic's friends let him descend from above, mat and all. Righteous. Totally.
When Jesus saw their faith, he knew he could make a few pieces of silver. He also knew that sin caused sickness. So he said to the paralytic, "We've never met before, right? You're pretty sure you're a crip, right? You know why you're a crip, don't you, son? Yep, sin. You sinned and it cripplized you. Well son, today is your lucky day! Your sins are forgiven! Badda bayam!"
Now some of the scribes were sitting there, questioning the whole thing, when one of them spoke up, "Why does this fellow speak in this way? I tell you it's blasphemy! Who can forgive sins except for God? You can bet your sweet ass I'm gonna scribe about this."
But another scribe replied, "Well, technically he hasn't really committed blasphemy according to the law."
The first scribe answered, "Technically? Technically?? Whose side are you on, anyway? Look, it's about authority, OK? We have the authority, not him, OK? Jesus Christ."
"Technically, God has the authority,” said the second scribe. The first scribe sighed.
Now of course Jesus's ears were ringing like fuck-all. That is to say, he perceived in his spirit that they were discussing his authority to forgive sins. So he said, "Why do you even raise such questions in your black little Jew hearts? What do you think is easier, anyway? To say 'Crip, your sins are forgiven'? Or to say, 'Crip, stand up, pick up your nasty mat and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins, watch this..."
"Crip, cripple, crap-crap...I say to you...stand up...pick up that nasty mat...and go home! Ba cha cha ching!"
And the paralytic stood up, picked up his nasty mat, and walked out of the fucking house.
Everyone was amazed. They glorified God, saying, "We've never seen anything like this! When is the next show?"
And all Jesus said was, "OK, which one of you fuckers is gonna fix the Son of Man's roof?"
Four men showed up carrying an apparently paralyzed man on a mat. After proper screening (no amputees, etc.), the disciples said, "We've got a live one!" And they were determined to get the man to Jesus, but didn't know how. Then one of them said, "Hey! Wouldn't it be totally righteous if we lowered him down from the roof?" Everyone agreed that yes, it would be totally righteous. And so they removed the roof above Jesus and the paralytic's friends let him descend from above, mat and all. Righteous. Totally.
When Jesus saw their faith, he knew he could make a few pieces of silver. He also knew that sin caused sickness. So he said to the paralytic, "We've never met before, right? You're pretty sure you're a crip, right? You know why you're a crip, don't you, son? Yep, sin. You sinned and it cripplized you. Well son, today is your lucky day! Your sins are forgiven! Badda bayam!"
Now some of the scribes were sitting there, questioning the whole thing, when one of them spoke up, "Why does this fellow speak in this way? I tell you it's blasphemy! Who can forgive sins except for God? You can bet your sweet ass I'm gonna scribe about this."
But another scribe replied, "Well, technically he hasn't really committed blasphemy according to the law."
The first scribe answered, "Technically? Technically?? Whose side are you on, anyway? Look, it's about authority, OK? We have the authority, not him, OK? Jesus Christ."
"Technically, God has the authority,” said the second scribe. The first scribe sighed.
Now of course Jesus's ears were ringing like fuck-all. That is to say, he perceived in his spirit that they were discussing his authority to forgive sins. So he said, "Why do you even raise such questions in your black little Jew hearts? What do you think is easier, anyway? To say 'Crip, your sins are forgiven'? Or to say, 'Crip, stand up, pick up your nasty mat and walk'? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins, watch this..."
"Crip, cripple, crap-crap...I say to you...stand up...pick up that nasty mat...and go home! Ba cha cha ching!"
And the paralytic stood up, picked up his nasty mat, and walked out of the fucking house.
Everyone was amazed. They glorified God, saying, "We've never seen anything like this! When is the next show?"
And all Jesus said was, "OK, which one of you fuckers is gonna fix the Son of Man's roof?"
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| Amazing! How does he do it?? |
