The Lord said unto Cain, "What hast thou done? Hark! Dost thou heareth anything? Dost thou know what I heareth? I heareth your brother's blood crying out to me from the ground. Dammit, Cain! Abel made the best bloody sacrifices, too. Shit. And I haven't even figured out how to raise the dead yet, you little prick.
As of now, you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your own hands.”
And Cain said unto the Lord, “No it hasn’t. I hid Abel here in these bushes. See?”
Not one to listen, the Lord ignored Cain and said, “From this day forward, when you till the ground, it will no longer yield to you its strength. And you will be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth forever, or at least until verse 16."
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Occupy movement traced all the way back to Cain. You damn hippies! |
Cain said to the Lord, "My punishment is greater than I can bear! Today you have driven me away from the soil, which frankly was no walk in the garden since you cursed it for Dad already. And how can I go on living when I shall be hidden from your infinitely judgmental face?"
The Lord said, “Remarketh once more as that of a smart ass, and I shall put you in time out, young man.”
Cain cried, “But Loooorrrd! A fugitive and a wanderer on the earth? That's not fair! Now anyone who meets me may kill me!"
And the Lord said, “Nonsense, for I shall tell your father not to kill you, and you may tell your mother.”
Cain replied, “No, no, no, no. I mean after Mom and Dad know each other and make a sister. You do realize that the first chance I get, I shall know the shit out of my sister, right? And will we not make more people? And will there not be great knowing and multiplying and multiplying and knowing? Every land will be a land of inbreds. And an inbred will surely kill me."
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Genesis inbreeding reenactments are still observed in Mississippi, Alabama, and the Florida Panhandle |
Then the Lord said unto Cain, "Why would any of them kill you? How would they know of your sin? But yea, to make certain, I will put a sign on you that whosoever kills you will suffer a fivefold vengeance.”
And Cain replied, “Tenfold, my Lord?”
“Sevenfold," said the Lord, "and I will throw in a coat.”
Cain accepted the Lord’s offer, and so the Lord killed one of Abel’s lambs and made its skin into a coat, and he gave it unto Cain.
And on the coat the Lord wrote in lamb's blood,
Behold and lo,
Don’t kill me, Bro.
