|
| Our white heroes. |
Yahweh was walking in the garden, enjoying the evening breeze. He untied his robe to get some air. Something was wrong. He could feel it. But what it was, he wasn't sure. Yahweh wouldn't be omnipotent for another few thousand years. Still, he was no dummy.
The man and woman heard Yahweh and hid among the trees in the garden. With their newfound knowledge of good and evil, they both knew they didn't want to see Yahweh's "messiah maker."
Yahweh called to the man and said, "Where are you?" The man answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid, because your robe was open. And I was naked too, so I hid myself."
Yahweh closed his robe and said, "Who told you we were naked? And why are you naked anyway? Didn't the woman sew you a loin cloth? Have you by any chance eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?"
The man said, "The woman - whom you gave me by the way - gave me fruit from the tree, so I was like, 'What the hell. She ate it and she's not exactly dead, is she?' And I ate."
Then Yahweh said to the woman, "You better have a good reason, young lady." The woman said, "The serpent tricked me. He told me the truth, and I ate."
Yahweh said to the serpent, "Because you have done this, cursed are you among all animals and wild creatures. Upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life."
So the serpent was not a snake, but an earthworm.
Yahweh continued, "I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers. He will strike your head, and you will strike his heel."
And lo, perhaps the serpent was a snake after all. Or maybe an earthworm that strikes heels. Yahweh can be hard to figure out sometimes. At least it's not like anyone is going to ever interpret this such that the serpent is Satan.
|
| Adam must have had one hell of a rib |
To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing, and until modern medicine invents the spinal epidural, in pain you shall bring forth children. Yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. So suck it, bitch."
And to the man he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife - a woman of all things - and because you have eaten of the tree which I commanded you not to eat, cursed is the ground. Because of you, not me. You, you little prick. You're gonna to have to work your ass off to eat from the ground all your life, or at least until the advent of modern agriculture. Thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you, you son of a bitch."
Yahweh added, "By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken. You are dust, you puny mortal, and to dust you shall return. And Woman, you shall return to a rib. And then to dust.
The serpent, the man, and the woman all said, "Jesus Christ!"
Lo and behold, it is written: There is no afterlife. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Blessed be the word of the Lord. Amen.
